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Back, facts, back in your box!

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I have a problem with Google.

I have to know things. I can’t control myself. If I hear about something I don’t understand, even if it freaks me out — actually, especially if it freaks me out — I have to go look it up. This leads to knowing stuff I wish desperately I could un-know, like that it’s not only possible to cut a penis in half lengthwise and have it function, but people do this for fun.

(How did I find this out? DO NOT ASK. It began as valid research, and it got OUT OF HAND. Googling snowballs, like a BLACK HOLE OF INVESTIGATION.)

This morning, I saw a blurb for Human Centipede, the movie that Donna is always raving about. The premise grossed me out so much I had to go and look up the details, and NOW I CAN’T EAT MY LUNCH.

I WANTED my lunch. My lunch is DELICIOUS. But someone made a movie about joining people together mouth-to-anus, and I had to find out how that would work, and now my lunch is FOREVER FUCKING RUINED.

Fuck you too, Google.

I used to think I had to KNOW STUFF because my imagination was worse than reality — kind of the way I had to sit through all of The Hills Have Eyes and the new Unborn, because whatever happened couldn’t be worse than what my mind would decide could have happened — but this is no longer accurate. I regularly find out things that are considerably worse than anything I could ever have dreamed up, and STILL, I GOOGLE.

Hey, I might think — as you do — I wonder if Orangutans ever rape human women? COME FIND OUT, Google croons in my ear. I KNOW. AND I’LL SHARE, IF YOU ASK NICELY. And now I live with the knowledge that not only has this happened, but the husbands of the victims aren’t generally that bothered, since it’s not like it was a person or anything.

AND NOW YOU KNOW TOO. SEE! SEE HOW IT FEELS?

I know about cysts with teeth, and that woman who had her face pulled off by her chimp, and far, far too much about serial killers and ridiculous scientific theories about how the world might end… I’ll wake myself up in the middle of the night to Google something I’ve been dreaming about, and I can’t make it through a 22-minute sitcom without the help of imdb.

I NEED HELP, YOU GUYS.

SOMEONE MAKE IT STOP.

In other news: I am the biggest character profile nerd ever, and it’s AWESOME. I can’t wait to start playing with these little people. Introduce them, hang out with them, MESS WITH THEIR LITTLE MINDS. So fun! So, so fun. I’m in a writerly happy place this week, and I like it there. I wanna BUILD A NEST so I can stay forever, wrapped up in the snuggly warmth of fantastic things I haven’t screwed up yet. Mmm, possibility. So much sweeter than actual prose.

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Writer of things. Annoyer of cats.

8 Comments Join the Conversation

  1. Oh, curses! I'd forgotten about that one. I went to do it the other day and got distracted in our work info on, like, all the ways you can tear and rupture and generally destroy yourself giving birth the old-fashioned way. I learned the name for when you tear right through your back business bits and out the other side! But then I forgot… or repressed it. One or the other.

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  2. Donna: I REFUSE! I COULD NOT EAT MY PAD THAI FOR DINNER EITHER, BECAUSE I STARTED THINKING ABOUT FACE-BUTT ATTACHMENT AGAIN. I HAD TO GO TO BED EARLY WITH CHOCOLATE TO CONSOLE MYSELF. This is gonna be one of those rare times when my curiosity has exhausted itself, and ignorance is now preferable.

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  3. just you wait until we have our cottage, i will make you like horror. you are so utterly adorable, I WISH YOU WERE COMING TONIGHT SOB. even my mother is coming!

    Reply

  4. SOB I WISH I WAS COMING TOOOOO! WAH! STUPID OCEANS BETWEEN US!

    Hahaha I actually LOVE most horror, for some reason certain things I just can't handle, and I think I'm becoming more of a blouse as I get older… I couldn't face Paranormal Activity either. And the rape scene in Last House on the Left had me traumatised for days. But Zombieland and Dawn of the Dead are like, my FAVOURITE movies, and Supernatural is my favourite show, and I'm sort of WRITING horror(ish)… so, like, WHAT?

    Reply

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