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True stories.



I once had a job as a porn reviewer. It was, in all honesty, the most boring job I have ever had, and I quit after a week. There’s only so many ways to describe genitalia.


Due to an insanely sheltered high school experience, I didn’t have my first proper kiss until I was 18. It was at a house party thrown by a friend. The guy was 25, told me he was a pro golfer, and was so drunk that he passed out while we were making out, fell off the deck, and hit his head on a brick.

I am not making this up.

Once he came to, he tried to tell everyone that I’d punched him. This pretty much set the tone for my entire love life.


For most of my childhood, I was convinced that anyone touching my skin could read my mind.


When I was about 11, I sent a handwritten letter to all the publishers I could find addresses for, asking them if they would please consider publishing the novel I was writing. Several of them wrote back, which was really quite nice of them.

The “novel” in question was, I think, a horror story about a guy named Smith and a beach house. I’m pretty sure it even had a sex scene — although, since I had a copy of ‘Why Was I Adopted?’ instead of ‘Where Did I Come From?’, at the time I was still missing some key details on the mechanics.


I first met my birth-mother when I was two. Despite knowing her my entire life, it took me until I was 15 to realise that I must also have a father. It occurred to me on my Nana’s driveway, as I was checking her mail. I was thinking about how, technically, Brad Pitt was old enough to be my dad.


I didn’t get my driver’s licence until I was 25. In my first three months of having a car, I drove into three different stationary objects. I don’t mean that I nudged a stray recycling bin or clipped the curb — I wrapped my passenger side around a pole in a parking garage. And once I’d done it, I decided the fastest way to get out of it was just to keep going. So I accelerated, and crumpled the entire left side of my car. Part of me was relieved that at least this hid where I’d run into the lip of a ramp the week before.

I wrote my next car off when I rear-ended someone on the motorway while trying to charge my iPod off my laptop.

My insurance is very expensive.


As a kid, I put a lot of effort into calculating how many wrong answers to give during standardised tests. I was terrified of being found out and made to skip a year, which seemed to me like being punished for retaining information.

I was also aware pretty early of the difference between book smart and street smart, and thought that the fact that I lost things and forgot to get off buses and thought I could fly should really trump being able to produce dates and numbers on request. I felt guilty when adults praised me for being smart — it was something I was, not anything I did — they were essentially congratulating me on being lazy.


This morning, the oil light went on in my car. Once again, at almost 28, I have no idea how to live like an adult. Can I deal with this myself? Do I take my car somewhere? How much will it cost? Will my car eventually cease to run while I’m trying to figure it out? It’s a mystery! Yesterday I had to ask google whether it was okay to do yoga after giving blood. Google reminded me that I still have very little of what my mother calls nous.

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Writer of things. Annoyer of cats. Mother of very small dragons.

12 Comments Join the Conversation

  1. When did you last get a service? In which they change your oil and filter. There should be a sticker on your windscreen that tells you when it was due. It will be about $80-150.

    In other news, oh dear, I'm turning into my Dad.


  2. You should put oil in the car. If you don't know how to do this, ask your brother. Or some other boy. That may seem sexist, but it's what I do. Oil is also messy so I prefer not to do it. You will probably need to buy oil. It doesn't come cheap.


  3. “As a kid, I put a lot of effort into calculating how many wrong answers to give during standardised tests.”

    oh my lord lol TWINZ.


  4. I LOVE THIS POST! It's a list of sekrits! BEST EVER.

    You should chase Brad Pitt down, cos then Angelina would adopt you – she doesn't have a kid from NZ yet!

    Also this post reminds me that I should get a service, cos yesterday my engine smelt kind of . . . burny. But, I reckon it's just easier to sell it and buy a new one, am I right?!


  5. Heidi! Haha, the problem I am really having is that my dad is currently up north with my brother, and I don't want to ask my usual go-to guy because he ALWAYS has to fix my life and I pity him for that.

    Donna! Twins! I'm so glad someone else did this. I also used to always write so that whoever was next to me could copy my work, but making sure I put enough wrong stuff in there so that they wouldn't get busted for it. Foolish child.

    Kelly! YAY SEKRITS! I thought you might like it. Also, you are EXACTLY RIGHT. I approve your logic!


  6. OH MY GOD this morning my dad ranted at me about putting oil in the car. “When did you last do it?” he asked. “When you last helped me,” I said. “Is the light flashing?” “Only when you turn the car on…” I said. “But that always happens!” I added. “That's bad!!” he exclaimed. At 6:30am. “You'll have to get a new motor and you don't want that right now! Do you even know how to check the oil?” Me: “Yes, but it's dirty! I have to go to work. Can't you check it for me?… Please?”

    Meanwhile, hi, I'm on seek looking for jobs… I'm going back to office work. $25p/h? Yes please. Save me. I miss being on a computer and having downtime.


  7. On another note…

    In primary school I was such a good speller that I never got to use my little memo book for spelling; we'd write a word in and take it to the teacher who would help us spell it correctly. Like, the word AISLE. So I would copy other people's words they didn't know and take them up to the teacher so that my book wasn't empty. And in grade 3 I wanted to be in the “special maths” group where all the dummies were because they had more fun and played with blocks, and so I purposely failed heaps of tests, and then I got in the group and it was awesome. We had this teacher aid helping us.

    In grade 6 I was in the “advanced maths” little group with the same teacher aide, who was amazed how far I had come with my maths skills in such a short time, HAHAHA.


  8. Yeah..according to my grease monkey-speed freak- ex husband… When that oil light goes on pull over immediately and add oil. You risk the engine over heating and the possibility of cracking the head. Sounds bad because it is. Go to your nearest gas station and add oil immediately.. You will have pimply faced, insecure teenage boys tripping over themselves to share their knowledge with you. Good luck! No man needed. Girl Power!


  9. dude, we are one. for some reason i always wanted people to copy from me and would present my papers to them kinda from under my elbow lol. i've NO idea why.

    that dream has been haunting me today lol. i was wandering around a sandwich shop and saw egg mayo ones and my stomach CHURNED, man. it churned lol.


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